Olivia Fox Cabane

the-charisma-myth

Best Thing: Reviewers praise "The Charisma Myth" for its practical advice and actionable strategies to improve presence, power, and warmth in interpersonal interactions. Many find the techniques for enhancing charisma, such as visualization and body language adjustments, to be particularly effective. Worst Thing: Some reviewers criticize the book for being overly simplistic or for lacking depth in certain areas. A few feel that the advice may not apply universally and that the concepts, while helpful, can feel repetitive throughout the text.

  • All about presence, power and warmth
    • Intention and power: Could you move mountains for me, and would you care to? Friend or foe, fight or flight
    • That plus presence. Everything is based on feeling like the person is fully present
  • Practical things you can do right away
    • Nod less
    • Lower your voice at the end of a sentence
    • Pause for 2 seconds before speaking
  • Presence - hard to keep focus without distraction or your mind wandering (meditation is hard)
  • Subconscious controls body language which is what matters, so need to get in the internal charismatic skills and states
    • **Destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, rewrite reality **using these tools to get in the right state
    • Your mind can’t tell the difference btw imagination and reality, so protecting works
      • Critical to deal with and embrace uncertainty, and alleviate that discomfort
        • Uncertainty produces more anxiety than rejection
        • Responsibility transfer - don’t feel responsible for possible failure, make something else responsible (God, karma, etc)
      • Comparison impairs our presence, but is super strong tendency
      • Self criticism - generates fight or flight responses and shuts down systems
      • Self doubt - fear that we are missing something critical
      • Shame is the real killer. It’s the feeling of unacceptability. It grows out of proportion
      • Neutralize negativity, don’t try to avoid it bc that just makes it worse
        • You can even rewrite reality to quiet fight or flight
      • Resentment - write all your grievances, and the imagined response
    • Create the right mental states -
      • Visualization - this will make your body language flow naturally, and get you in a charismatic state
        • Imagine a time you were extremely triumphant, and feel the confidence
        • Focus on a few key audio phrases - for calmness, eg ‘in a year, will any of this matter’, or use music from top gun or rocky to set the stage, or imagine a hug
        • Create an imaginary counsel of people who embody the emotions you want, and have them give you a pep talk
      • Warmth:
        • Start with gratitude, bc it’s about the present and what you already have. Emanates confidence and calmness
          • How would someone see you if they described of
          • Imagine your funeral - gives you immense relief for still living
        • Goodwill and compassion - search for positives about the person you interact with
        • Self compassion: list all the ways you already care for yourself, and remind yourself of that.
          • Meta: Buddhist practice of warmth and self approval, imagining a time you did a good deed and then approval/ affection from a great figure
  • Types of charisma
    • Focus: think Elon Musk
      • Primarily based on presence. Deep listening, communicate respect,
      • Requires full presence, patience, and comfort with discomfort
      • You can come across as too eager (no power) or cold (no warmth)
      • For business, or tough situations
    • Visionary: Steve Jobs
      • So much conviction, so defeats uncertainty
      • Based on power, and some warmth (for the vision)
      • About demeanor more than appearance
      • How to craft a good message and deliver with conviction (reality distortion)
    • Kindness: dalai lama
      • Complete warmth and acceptance
      • Entirely from body language, especially eyes, and a modicum of power
    • Authority: Michael Jordan
      • Mostly based on power. Body language, appearance, clothing/symbols, title (in that order)
      • Need some warmth
  • First impressions
    • Changing a first impression is hard because of confirmation bias
    • People like people who are like them: they want to feel they are in the same tribe
    • Start with a complement - warm and observant
      • Maybe ask for the story behind it, or other open ended questions (no yes/no)
    • Continue with lots of ‘you’ (you should read this article, not I just read this article) and lead to positive emotion
    • End before too long, leaving with an excuse or offering them something (business card then ”I’ll send that to you soon, great to meet you”), or draw in someone else as exiting a group is easier
    • People remember not the words but how a conversation feels
  • Presence is All about listening well.
    • Let’s you establish rapport well
    • Never ever interrupt, and let them interrupt you
    • Pause before answering. Facial absorption, facial reaction, answer
  • Taking complements gracefully
    • Stop, absorb, react facially, thank them (can go further, as if it’s a big deal to you),
    • Treat everyone as if they are so interesting / worthwhile
  • Get graphic - communicate with images and narratives and analogies, involving the senses
  • Be brief - time is money, so exchange time for entertainment or info
  • Vocal tone - more fluctuation
    • Pitch, rhythm, speed, volume, tone
    • Lower is better. Aim words like arrow. Measured rhythm with pauses is confident
    • Lower intonation at end of sentence for power
    • Smile for warmth
  • Body language
    • Mirroring - adapt body position, and voice to match the other person
      • If it’s negative language, mirror then lead
    • Get someone to change their positioning to match what you want before you try to change their mind
      • Sit near or diagonal, not across
      • Have them open up not closed down/powerful
    • **Profound eye contact is critical. **Don’t blink, gaze intensely
      • Hold 3 seconds of eye contact at end of every interaction
      • Pay attention to detail to avoid discomfort
      • Shift to a softer less intense focus by imagining a huge amount of space
    • Posture is confidence
      • Take up space, get people to move aside
    • Be still. No filler, no fidgeting. This is poise
      • Even nods, uh huhs and other reassurances are bad
      • Comfortable with silence
  • Get adversaries to rationalize for you by asking for a favor. Give compliments or ask for their opinion. Give them a vested Internet.
  • For tough conversations have things for people to fidget with on hand to focus their discomfort on (eg play dough)
  • Deliver criticism with warmth and empathy
    • Think of a favorite mentor and think of how they would want to hear it.
    • Depersobalize it (specific behavior not general personality) and think ahead about what to say.
    • Start with a reassurance of worth
  • Apologize with warmth, sincerity and letting them have their say while you are present
  • On the phone, answer crisply then add warmth after finding out the person. And use you, not I
    • Review email/mkting, make sure you focused outweighs i/we focused
  • Presenting uses all types of charisma
    • Keep in mind you are competing with everything else in their mind. What is the one clear thing to communicate?
    • Use stories. Then the point. Make the characters relatable. (12 gb of storage is enough to listen to music to the moon and back)
    • Vivid, concise language focused on you and positive thoughts
    • Own the stage with a wide stance, movement, volume
    • Remember to breathe and slow down, pause regularly at beginning middle and end
  • In crisis, be calm and bold.
    • Set high expectations and high confidence in people’s ability
    • Articulate the vision (paint the beach)