Difficult Conversations
- Gap between what is thought and said
- Three conversations
- What happened
- Feelings
- Identity and self image - influences whether you feel balanced or not
- Difficult Conversations are not about truth, right and wrong. About perception, values, whats important
- Get to the bottom of intentions
- We perceive the world differently. Too much info so we select, and we select different things and bring different background
- Assume there are things you don’t know about beyond the surface.
- We assume the worst intentions, and others do in us. Get to the bottom of it.
- Don’t blame, figure out contribution from both sides
- Opportunity for learning and more constructive
- Even implicit blame is bad (somehow we ended up with the wrong storyboards)
- Often a desire for blame is actually a desire for acknowledgement. Not ‘you were wrong for cheating’ but ‘you need to accept and care that you hurt me’
- Feelings need to be expressed, if hidden they will keep coming up
- Solving the surface problems won’t make feelings go away
- Judgements are not feelings, they distract from them. I feel
- Rule 2 - try to get everything you are feeling into the conversation, rule 1-negotiate with your feelings
- Three identify questions come up. Conversations force us to confront ourselves
- Am I competent?
- Am I a good person?
- Am I worthy of love?
- Getting started on the learning conversation
- Start with the third conversation that both parties can agree on (rather than each person’s view)
- Ask not if they agree but what they see differently (not “does that make sense” but, “would you out it differently?”)
- Leading with someone who is not as constructive
- Reframe what they say into contribution and learning conversations, with persistence
- Strategies in a disagreement
- Try to be persuaded, then say the sides of the other argument you still don’t get
- Say what will persuade you
- What would you do in my shoes?