difficult-conversations
Best Thing: Many reviewers appreciate the book's practical insights into navigating difficult conversations. They highlight its emphasis on understanding intentions, expressing feelings, and fostering constructive dialogue as valuable tools for personal and professional relationships. Worst Thing: Some reviewers criticize the book for being overly theoretical and not providing enough concrete examples or actionable steps. They feel that while the concepts are important, the application can be challenging in real-life situations.
- Gap between what is thought and said
- Three conversations
- What happened
- Feelings
- Identity and self image - influences whether you feel balanced or not
- Difficult Conversations are not about truth, right and wrong. About perception, values, whats important
- Get to the bottom of intentions
- We perceive the world differently. Too much info so we select, and we select different things and bring different background
- Assume there are things you don’t know about beyond the surface.
- We assume the worst intentions, and others do in us. Get to the bottom of it.
- Don’t blame, figure out contribution from both sides
- Opportunity for learning and more constructive
- Even implicit blame is bad (somehow we ended up with the wrong storyboards)
- Often a desire for blame is actually a desire for acknowledgement. Not ‘you were wrong for cheating’ but ‘you need to accept and care that you hurt me’
- Feelings need to be expressed, if hidden they will keep coming up
- Solving the surface problems won’t make feelings go away
- Judgements are not feelings, they distract from them. I feel
- Rule 2 - try to get everything you are feeling into the conversation, rule 1-negotiate with your feelings
- Three identify questions come up. Conversations force us to confront ourselves
- Am I competent?
- Am I a good person?
- Am I worthy of love?
- Getting started on the learning conversation
- Start with the third conversation that both parties can agree on (rather than each person’s view)
- Ask not if they agree but what they see differently (not “does that make sense” but, “would you out it differently?”)
- Leading with someone who is not as constructive
- Reframe what they say into contribution and learning conversations, with persistence
- Strategies in a disagreement
- Try to be persuaded, then say the sides of the other argument you still don’t get
- Say what will persuade you
- What would you do in my shoes?